A Historical Rewrite

The following is my version of the beginning of the Declaration of Independence if it had been written today:

We hold these "truths" to be self-evident provided they align with your own personal paradigm, that all men are created have evolved equally, that they are arbitrarily endowed by their Creator the evolutionary process that has lead us to believe that "rights" exist with certain unalienable rights provided you aren't an enemy combatant or a member of the "1%", that among these are life as long as you've already been born, liberty in all things secular, there shall be no liberty to share one's governmentally defined religion in the public square and the pursuit of government provided happiness. That to secure these rights, powerful federal governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed special interest groups who fund them. That whenever any form of government (not including ours, of course) becomes destructive to these ends for those not rich. The wealthy are out of luck, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it (remember, not our government), and to institute new government that will no longer ignore the will of the people, laying its foundation on such lack of principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their liberty-less safety and government funded, a moral happiness.

Somehow it just doesn't have the same ring to it...